The New York Times reported today that scientists have successfully implanted inside a mouse the human gene that governs language and speaking skills. The mouse already is talking, and he’s got a lot to say. We caught up with this impressive specimen at a secret government lab. We can’t disclose the precise location, but we can tell you it is in Wisconsin. Our subject was working out in a makeshift gym next to his cage. He was doing some laps on a hamster wheel, a poster of a huge slice of Jarlsberg taped to the wall in front of him for inspiration. A Green Bay Packers ”cheesehead” hat rested jauntily atop the cage. We asked the mouse his name. ”You can call me Fred. Call me Mickey and I’ll snap your tail!” We immediately noted Fred’s New York accent. ”You got a problem with that?” We asked Fred what was on his mind. Turns out he has been reading the newspapers that line his cage every day. He also watches a flat-screen TV on the wall. Fred has a remote he controls with his tail. He says he’s been switching back and forth between the financial channels and the NBA playoffs lately. ”What’s up with this Bernanke guy? He prints a trillion in new bills and then he warns us that inflation is going to ruin the economy? I could have told him that. You make too much Swiss and soon it’s gonna to be worthless. Then everybody is gonna start hoarding Jarlsberg and Roquefort.” Fred was particularly upset about something he read in a copy of Crain’s New York Business the other day. ”That 35 percent vacancy rate in Manhattan office space is a killer. My cousin Vinnie doesn’t even bother to crawl onto the F train in Flatbush anymore. What’s the point of dragging your tail to the city every day if there aren’t even any crumbs on the floor when you get there?” Fred said he was pleased with President Obama’s choice of a new pet. ”Dogs are loyal. Dogs are friendly. You can always count on a dog. Cats have an agenda, and it’s never yours.” Fred stepped off the wheel and asked us to pass a small white towel over to him. While he was rolling around the towel, he told us he is disappointed the showdown between Lebron and Kobe didn’t materialize in the NBA finals. ”I was dreaming about it for months. Massive consumption of Doritos and nachos all over America. Coast-to-coast crumbs.” […]
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