Crystal Ball 2015

new-year-ballimg_assist_customIt’s that time again. Without further ado, let’s all peek at the stories that will make headlines next year:

— Price of oil drops below $25/barrel, General Motors reintroduces Olds Cutlass with 440 rocket V-8 engine, four-barrel carburetor.

— Washington Redskins change their name to Orangemen, replace Indian head logo with bust of John Boehner.

— Vladimir Putin offers to sell Crimea back to Ukraine for $10 billion, says he was “just kidding” about annexation.

— Kim Jong-un says North Korea will conduct missile tests over Hawaii if Dumb and Dumber 2 doesn’t win Best Picture Oscar.

— U.S. Supreme Court rules Obamacare violates 8th Amendment of the Constitution prohibiting cruel and unusual punishment.

— Koch brothers buy Keystone oil pipeline, reroute it through six Kansas wind farms.

— Chris Christie moves to Des Moines, claims residency in Iowa presidential caucus.

— Google driverless car impounded by California highway patrol for texting while driving.

— Former Jets coach Rex Ryan declares candidacy for governor of NJ, says “my belly band worked better than his.”

— During U.S. visit, Pope Francis tells Florida crowd pet pythons can’t go to heaven.

— Rand Paul unable to attend campaign rally in Iowa when unexpected closure of three lanes on state highway causes massive traffic jam.

— Mark Zuckerberg presents custom Facebook page with automatic “like” button to Xi Jinping in Beijing.

— Mitch McConnell pushes bill through Senate naming coal-filtered bourbon “official drink of the United States.”

— Congress funds new infrastructure bank with national lottery “toll tickets” awarding $1 million to anyone who can drive across the U.S. without encountering a bridge collapse.

— Sarah Palin opens chain of “Locked and Loaded” marijuana distributorships in Alaska.

— ESPN drone intercepts game-winning touchdown pass at Rose Bowl, destroys Hollywood sign with Hellfire missile.

— George W. Bush withdraws endorsement of brother’s presidential campaign when Jeb unveils slogan “I’m the Smart One.”

— Mars rover discovers Snickers wrapper while digging in crater.

— Donald Trump buys bankrupt Revel casino for $25 million, converts it into Trump Mausoleum “so there’ll be enough room for everyone who wants to pay their respects to me.”

— President Obama signs executive order lifting smoking ban in federal buildings, adds corn dogs and cheesy fries to school lunch menus.

— Michele Obama moves back to Chicago, says she “needs some space.”

— Fracking operation in South Dakota uncovers Custer’s Last Will and Testament, including copyright for use of Washington Redskins brand.

— Hillary Clinton promises voters will get “to pick my next hairstyle” if she’s elected president.

— Responding to concerns that advanced artificial intelligence systems eventually will decide to eliminate humans, new high-IQ AI program tweets: “Doesn’t everybody think the Mets would do better without their owner?”

A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!