- EPA revokes fuel efficiency regulations, requires all vehicles to be equipped with four-barrel carburetors.
- President Trump tweets “Taiwan has accepted my offer to become 51st state!”
- Former President Obama signs up for Obamacare, checks box for “unemployed.”
- Facebook cracks down on fake news, deletes story with Mark Zuckerberg quote “people who put their personal stuff on the Web are idiots.”
- Brexit talks break down when U.K. demands Channel Tunnel be renamed for Queen Elizabeth.
- Attorney General Jeff Sessions leads federal raid on marijuana warehouse in California, poses for photo-op in driver’s seat of 18-wheeler loaded with weed.
- WikiLeaks posts emails of NCAA selection committee members after Hofstra named No. 1 seed in March Madness tournament.
- FBI finds Jeff Sessions in L.A. flophouse surrounded by empty bags of Doritos, says he wants “to speed up the legalization of marijuana.”
- Smithsonian Institution raises $10 million from Kickstarter campaign to fund two display cases for new Bruce and Caitlin Jenner exhibits.
- Ground broken in Taiwan for world’s tallest building, Taipei Trump Tower Hotel & Casino.
- New York Post front-page HEADLESS BODY IN DRIVERLESS CAR sold for $5,000 on eBay three months after publication.
- Fifteen electors who didn’t show up for Electoral College vote discovered hiding in cave during fracking operation in western Pennsylvania.
- Dr. Ben Carson performs emergency tracheotomy on Rick Perry at White House Cabinet meeting after Perry swallows climate change hoax theory.
- Boeing lowers price on new Air Force One to $25 million, offers to refurbish JFK’s 707 for Trump.
- Fidel Castro’s ashes stolen from Santiago memorial, replaced with ash tray full of Monte Cristo No. 5 cigar stubs.
- Talks to build wall between Mexico and the U.S. break down over awarding of naming rights to Rupert Murdoch for $50 million.
- Congress repeals Obamacare, effective 2025, President Trump tweets “the replacement will be beautiful, doctors will visit your house when you get sick, believe me!”
- Carrier Corp. announces plan to replace Indianapolis plant workers with robots “sourced entirely from U.S. parts.”
- Obama gets $30-million advance from publisher for memoirs, says “now I can afford my health insurance premiums.”
- Golden Triangle, MS renamed Golden Parallelogram after Joe Max Higgins cuts deal for 100,000-acre shovel-ready site.
- Justin Bieber reveals he is the love child of Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher.
- White House unveils new design for Presidential Medal of Freedom, a diamond-studded gold bracelet from Ivanka’s Metropolis Collection of fine jewelry.
- Jared Kushner’s effort to broker Israeli-Palestinian peace treaty breaks down when Palestinian Authority names Chris Christie as their lead negotiator.
- Jeff Bezos announces plan to put Amazon distribution center on Mars, offers free 357-day shipping to first 1,000 customers.
- Official Kremlin website deletes photo of bare-chested Vladimir Putin riding Siberian pony when photo enlargement reveals Putin wearing diamond-studded gold bracelet from Ivanka’s Metropolis Collection of fine jewelry.
A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!
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