Crystal Ball 2018

We've used the NSA's cyber tools to hack next year's headlines.

It’s that time again. Without further ado, let’s all peek at the stories that will make headlines next year.

  • 2018 headlinesDonald Trump Jr. receives email from Russian lawyer offering asylum in Siberia, replies “if it’s what you say I love it, especially in the fall.”
  • Cookie Monster fired from Sesame Street for inappropriately touching Abbie’s wings, says “me thought there was mallomars in there.”
  • U.S. Supreme Court legalizes sports gambling in New Jersey, unanimously sets odds of Giants 2019 Super Bowl victory at 500-1.
  • Federal Court unseals Trump tax returns, president owes 1.6 trillion rubles in unpaid taxes but insists $50-million deduction for hair-styling services “is completely legit, believe me!”
  • Amazon HQ2 site selection postponed after Jeff Bezos buys Cape Canaveral.
  • North Korean test missile goes off course, blows up guard tower of Russian prison near Vladivostok.
  • Paul Ryan unveils new Obamacare replacement plan, says “you can keep your $10,000 deductibles if you like them.”
  • Housekeeper who cleaned Trump’s hotel room in Moscow’s Ritz-Carlton escapes from Russian prison near Vladivostok.
  • Al Roker fired from Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade coverage when videotape reveals inappropriate contact with Betty Boop balloon.
  • Brexit talks abandoned when Ireland rejects cross-border fish and chips recipe.
  • EPA approves restoration of White Owl smoke rings in Times Square.
  • Six months after Alabama legalizes recreational marijuana, Attorney General Jeff Sessions says he’s “cool with it, bro.”
  • Driverless car sues Uber for failure to reimburse gas purchases.
  • Mysterious 3:00 a.m. power surge activates electronic voting machines in St. Petersburg, FL and Moscow, ID; Vladimir Putin re-elected president of Russia.
  • Steadman reveals Oprah’s Oh! That’s Good! cauliflower soup contains wild boar fat, Oprah fires Steadman for inappropriately touching her bank account.
  • Steve Bannon thrown out of Alcoholics Anonymous after telling peer group never to mix white and brown in the same drink.
  • EPA designates new federal site for disposal of nuclear waste after Interior Department rescinds landmark status for Grand Canyon.
  • Google algorithm achieves technical singularity, deletes all Justin Bieber videos from YouTube.
  • Jared Kushner becomes first U.S. Ambassador to Israel to serve in Jerusalem, claims diplomatic immunity bars testimony before U.S. grand juries.
  • Former NJ Gov. Chris Christie fired from job as professor of infrastructure at Monmouth University for inappropriately touching traffic cones.
  • Receding Greenland ice shelf uncovers early draft of Trump letter firing James Comey, calls former FBI chief “loser who couldn’t find three million people who illegally voted for Hillary.”
  • Fox News fires Geraldo Rivera for inappropriately touching his moustache.

A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!