Crystal Ball 2011
As a tumultuous year comes to an end. it’s time to take another look into our Crystal Ball for some sure-fire prognostications of the big stories of 2011:
– Ben Bernanke demands $500-billion â€śoverdraft feeâ€ť from top U.S. banks, tells them to cut up debit cards.
– Hamid Karzai retires to Paris, opens chain of menâ€™s clothing stores called Afghan Wearhouse.
– Cliff Lee pitches against Yankees in World Series, leaves game in fourth inning when car is towed from Stadium parking lot by NYPD.
–Â President Obama announces federal deficit will now be calculated using Google algorithm.
–Â Oprah surprises final studio audience with free trip to the Moon, buys Saturn rocket from Smithsonian.
– BP unveils high-octane biofuel produced from Gulf Coast shrimp.
– Congress orders Census Bureau to re-do 2010 count when number of Facebook pages in U.S. exceeds reported population.
–Â Interpol seizes shipment of Afghan Wearhouse capes, finds 10-kilo bags of heroin sewn into linings.
–Â Sarah Palin announces presidential candidacy on hour-long ESPN special, tells nation she is â€śbringing my talents to Washington.â€ť
–Â Charlie Sheen inks 10-year deal as spokesperson for Afghan Wearhouse.
–Â New York City installs metered outlets for electric cars on city streets, collects $15 for 15-minute charge between 8 am and 4 pm.
–Â Chevy Volt owner tasered by NYPD on Broadway attempting to obstruct city tow truck.
–Â California Gov. Jerry Brown misses State of State address pinned to the floor of the governorâ€™s office after attempting to move Arnoldâ€™s barbells.
–Â Julian Assange leaks transcripts of NFL refs practicing holding penalties for Super Bowl.
–Â Midwest governor returns federal stimulus funds, drives limo off unfinished highway ramp, says â€śthis proves government canâ€™t do anything right.â€ť
–Â Club Med opens summer resort in Greenland.
–Â Germany withdraws from Euro after Silvio Berlusconi requests 1 billion Euro bailout for Naples trash removal.
–Â China refuses to revalue currency, agrees to 50-percent discount on menâ€™s socks at Wal-Mart.
–Â Mike Bloomberg buys Bermuda, declares island sixth borough of New York.
–Â Donald Trump announces presidential candidacy in Palm Beach, unveils plans for luxury resort/golf course at Camp David.
–Â China agrees to exchange $1 trillion in U.S. Treasury Bonds for interstate highway system, Cape Canaveral and Disneyland.