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Crystal Ball 2011

As a tumultuous year comes to an end. it’s time to take another look into our Crystal Ball for some sure-fire prognostications of the big stories of 2011:

 

– Ben Bernanke demands $500-billion “overdraft fee” from top U.S. banks, tells them to cut up debit cards.

– Hamid Karzai retires to Paris, opens chain of men’s clothing stores called Afghan Wearhouse.

– Cliff Lee pitches against Yankees in World Series, leaves game in fourth inning when car is towed from Stadium parking lot by NYPD.

– President Obama announces federal deficit will now be calculated using Google algorithm.

– Oprah surprises final studio audience with free trip to the Moon, buys Saturn rocket from Smithsonian.

– BP unveils high-octane biofuel produced from Gulf Coast shrimp.

– Congress orders Census Bureau to re-do 2010 count when number of Facebook pages in U.S. exceeds reported population.

– Interpol seizes shipment of Afghan Wearhouse capes, finds 10-kilo bags of heroin sewn into linings.

– Sarah Palin announces presidential candidacy on hour-long ESPN special, tells nation she is “bringing my talents to Washington.”

– Charlie Sheen inks 10-year deal as spokesperson for Afghan Wearhouse.

– New York City installs metered outlets for electric cars on city streets, collects $15 for 15-minute charge between 8 am and 4 pm.

– Chevy Volt owner tasered by NYPD on Broadway attempting to obstruct city tow truck.

– California Gov. Jerry Brown misses State of State address pinned to the floor of the governor’s office after attempting to move Arnold’s barbells.

– Julian Assange leaks transcripts of NFL refs practicing holding penalties for Super Bowl.

– Midwest governor returns federal stimulus funds, drives limo off unfinished highway ramp, says “this proves government can’t do anything right.”

– Club Med opens summer resort in Greenland.

– Germany withdraws from Euro after Silvio Berlusconi requests 1 billion Euro bailout for Naples trash removal.

– China refuses to revalue currency, agrees to 50-percent discount on men’s socks at Wal-Mart.

– Mike Bloomberg buys Bermuda, declares island sixth borough of New York.

– Donald Trump announces presidential candidacy in Palm Beach, unveils plans for luxury resort/golf course at Camp David.

– China agrees to exchange $1 trillion in U.S. Treasury Bonds for interstate highway system, Cape Canaveral and Disneyland.

 

A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!

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