Crystal Ball 2014

It’s that time again. Without further ado, let’s all peek at the stories that will make headlines next year:

— Rob Ford resigns as Toronto mayor, inks deal to be “new face of Crackerjacks.”

— Internet crashes for 18 hours when 10 million people download enrollment forms from Obamacare website on last day of eligibility.

— Jim Cramer rushed to hospital in “catatonic state” when stock tickers go dark during Internet crash.

— Amazon says it will test mini-drone by delivering 62-year-old copy of Catcher in the Rye to J.D. Salinger’s front porch.

— Vladimir Putin declares “status of Ukraine” to be resolved when Russia plays Ukraine in Olympic hockey tournament.

— White House blames Internet crash on Miley Cyrus twerking video.

— Amazon test drone shot down over New Hampshire house by man wielding 12-guage shotgun.

— JPMorgan Chase reports $100 billion in customer deposits “went missing” during Internet crash.

— NJ lands Boeing 777X plant after Gov. Christie offers use of George Washington Bridge as test runway.

— “Rounding error” in Paul Ryan-Patty Murray federal budget deal adds $2 trillion to national debt.

— Re-issue of Stephen King novel about murderous driverless car hits no. 1 on NY Times bestseller list.

— Kim Jong Un sells three nuclear warheads to Koch brothers, uses proceeds to buy Chicago Bulls, names Dennis Rodman head coach.

— Google driverless car sideswipes Stephen King’s SUV on unmarked road in Maine.

— California legalizes marijuana, purchases entire cheese output of Wisconsin.

— CA Gov. Jerry Brown announces $3-billlion expansion of Frito-Lay’s Doritos plant in Mendocino.

— President Obama unveils new Obamacare slogan, “No, I Never Said We Could.”

— NSA chief suspends electronic surveillance program, says “we’re tired of reading this crap.”

— Alex Ovechkin scores five goals for Russian hockey team in gold medal match, named new president of Ukraine.

— Pope Francis visits Las Vegas during U.S. tour, says “Who am I to judge?”

— J-Z assaulted by bodyguards when he shows up for album photo shoot wearing Mariners cap.

— Exxon announces Lost Ark of the Covenant discovered during fracking operation in Montana.

— Mayor Bill de Blasio orders NYPD to replace stop-and-frisk with “stop-and-hug.”

— Denver sues California for copyright infringement when Golden State licenses Mile High convenience stores at gas stations.

— Announcing he was “cured” by Internet crash, Jim Cramer divests holdings, opens commune in Mendocino.

— Ted Cruz says Canadian birth certificate will not be a problem if he runs for president “because I’ll invade Canada on Day One.”

— Fox Sports drone shoots down ESPN drone over Super Bowl.

— Dennis Rodman interred in North Korean labor camp when Bulls fail to make NBA playoffs.

— FBI captures missing hijacker D.B. Cooper by tracking fingerprint scanner on iPhone.

— John Kerry announces Koch brothers have agreed to “demilitarize” warheads, will allow FDA inspections of centrifuges in six Georgia Pacific plants.

— Chuck Schumer discovers Obamacare doesn’t cover hair plugs, says he will vote to repeal.

— Las Vegas Hilton says “anonymous patron” who won $100,000 on $2 bet New Orleans Saints would score 18 points in first quarter of Super Bowl has donated winnings to UN world hunger relief effort.

A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!