Crystal Ball 2013

It’s that time again. Without further ado, let’s all peek at the stories that will make headlines next year:

— Apple merges with Google, adopts Android platform and changes name of iPhone to iGiveUp.

— Hillary Clinton announces she will not run for president, aims for Guinness world record for longest ponytail.

— South Dakota claims 1886 deed unearthed in Badlands proves Bakken oilfield owned by state, demands $100 billion from North Dakota.

— Mitt Romney, freed after being trapped in car elevator for two days, says “47 percent of these things don’t work.”

— Daniel Day-Lewis sues U.S. Treasury, demands it stop using his likeness on pennies.

— Vladimir Putin loses three fingers ice fishing for barracuda bare-chested in Siberia.

— U.S. Supreme Court strikes down Voting Rights Act, rules union members get 3/5ths vote.

— During Oval Office meeting with Egyptian President Morsi, President Obama issues decree suspending Congress, eliminating cigarette taxes.

— Ben Bernanke causes 2,000-point drop in Dow Jones Industrial Average by declaring federal Bureau of Mint has run out of ink.

— Daniel Day-Lewis issues proclamation moving Thanksgiving to third Thursday in March, says he’s “tired of eating pumpkin pie.”

— Donald Trump demands Daniel Day-Lewis produce Kentucky birth certificate.

— Midwest state cancels motion picture tax credits after governor lands starring role in Weekend at Bernie’s 3.

— U.S. Department of Energy awards $20-million grant to former bank president who says he has a way to turn sub-prime mortgage promo letters into biofuels.

— Amelia Earhart remains found on Krakatoa, luggage still missing.

— Test flight of civilian drone in Cleveland delayed six hours when pilot exceeds FAA’s 8-hour flying limit and new crew must be flown in from Albuquerque.

— French President Francois Hollande storms out of European budget talks after Angela Merkel demands new tax on crepes.

— Hallmark announces it will skip the 13th day of each month in all 2013 calendars.

— NASA cancels Mars rover program, says “there’s nothing there but dirt.”

— SEC sanctions Mets for insider trading, says team failed to disclose missing fingers when it shipped Mr. Met to Kansas City for a mascot to be named later.

— Seeking to expand its base, GOP offers amnesty to people who haven’t crossed the border yet.

— U.S. Department of Defense drops opposition to Oregon wind turbine farm, awards $100-billion contract to Lockheed to build windmill-evading stealth aircraft.

— Daredevil breaks helium balloon altitude record, returns with Russian cosmonaut’s shoe.

— American Airlines offers McDonald’s dollar menu on cross-country flights, announces $50 service charge for use of aircraft lavatories.

— New Mayan prophecies found under taco stand in Mexico City include Y2K disaster, Marv Throneberry election to Baseball Hall of Fame and prediction that storm named Sandy will be “no big deal.”


A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!