Crystal Ball 2010


Here are some New Year’s resolutions we’d like to see:

— The world’s largest wind turbine will be attached to the Washington Monument, facing the U.S. Capitol Building.

— Recapitalized banks which used TARP funds to pay back TARP funds so they could resume huge bonus payments to bank executives will request additional TARP funds.

— Citigroup bailout funds, stolen by Russian mob, will be used to purchase reduced shares in Citigroup. Price of hot dogs at Citi Field will increase to 10,000 rubles.

— Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger will sell San Quentin prison to Cuba to close California budget gap. San Quentin will be converted into an international distribution center for Cuban cigars.

— Sen. Joseph Lieberman will announce he is withholding his cloture vote from any piece of legislation containing the word ”bill” in 2010.

— Hank Paulson will claim a tax credit after he purchases Tim Geithner’s house in New York, then sell it back to Geithner so Tim can avoid paying capital gains tax.

— Tiger Woods will land an endorsement deal as the official spokesman for the U.S. government’s stimulus program.

— Lloyd Blankfein will announce Goldman Sachs is ”seriously considering” donating all of its 2010 earnings to U.N. famine relief programs.

— Lloyd Blankfein will announce a new suite of securitized derivatives that will permit Goldman Sachs investors to make hourly trades against fluctuations in global starvation estimates.

— In a deficit-reduction gesture, Congress will order the U.S. Census Bureau to count every other state.

— Laid-off Census workers will file for unemployment, forcing Congress to extend benefits and increase the deficit.

— Dubai will open the world’s tallest building, topping off at 160 stories and 2,684 feet. Elevators will not go beyond 20th floor until first bond payments are made in 2045.

— Rupert Murdoch will merge Wall Street Journal and New York Post. Page Six item will spawn Ben Bernanke ”sex tapes” scandal. Las Vegas cocktail waitress will tell Journal-Post  ”Bernanke just sort of sat there, staring at me, but I could tell he was thinking bad thoughts.”

–Last-minute amendment to health care reform act will require Medicare recipients to pay double tolls on New Jersey Turnpike.

— In a deficit-reduction gesture, President Obama will pick two teams for Final Four in NCAA tournament pool, leave the other brackets blank.

— China will convert $2 trillion in currency reserves from U.S. dollars to Disney dollars. Frontierland will be renamed Formosa Free Trade Zone.

— Donald Trump will file a $1-billion lawsuit against shareholders of his former casinos for ”unauthorized use of his name.”

— Trump’s name will be removed from casinos. Trump will sue shareholders of former casinos for ”defamation of character.”

— General Motors will sell its SAAB unit to China, then reveal it changed the name of SAAB to Chevy three weeks ago.

— Bernie Madoff will demand a refund from New York Mets for 2009 season tickets, claiming he did not get promised return on investment.

Have a happy and healthy New Year, everyone.