It’s that time again. Without further ado, let’s all peek at the stories that will make headlines next year.
- Donald Trump Jr. receives email from Russian lawyer offering asylum in Siberia, replies “if it’s what you say I love it, especially in the fall.”
- Cookie Monster fired from Sesame Street for inappropriately touching Abbie’s wings, says “me thought there was mallomars in there.”
- U.S. Supreme Court legalizes sports gambling in New Jersey, unanimously sets odds of Giants 2019 Super Bowl victory at 500-1.
- Federal Court unseals Trump tax returns, president owes 1.6 trillion rubles in unpaid taxes but insists $50-million deduction for hair-styling services “is completely legit, believe me!”
- Amazon HQ2 site selection postponed after Jeff Bezos buys Cape Canaveral.
- North Korean test missile goes off course, blows up guard tower of Russian prison near Vladivostok.
- Paul Ryan unveils new Obamacare replacement plan, says “you can keep your $10,000 deductibles if you like them.”
- Housekeeper who cleaned Trump’s hotel room in Moscow’s Ritz-Carlton escapes from Russian prison near Vladivostok.
- Al Roker fired from Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade coverage when videotape reveals inappropriate contact with Betty Boop balloon.
- Brexit talks abandoned when Ireland rejects cross-border fish and chips recipe.
- EPA approves restoration of White Owl smoke rings in Times Square.
- Six months after Alabama legalizes recreational marijuana, Attorney General Jeff Sessions says he’s “cool with it, bro.”
- Driverless car sues Uber for failure to reimburse gas purchases.
- Mysterious 3:00 a.m. power surge activates electronic voting machines in St. Petersburg, FL and Moscow, ID; Vladimir Putin re-elected president of Russia.
- Steadman reveals Oprah’s Oh! That’s Good! cauliflower soup contains wild boar fat, Oprah fires Steadman for inappropriately touching her bank account.
- Steve Bannon thrown out of Alcoholics Anonymous after telling peer group never to mix white and brown in the same drink.
- EPA designates new federal site for disposal of nuclear waste after Interior Department rescinds landmark status for Grand Canyon.
- Google algorithm achieves technical singularity, deletes all Justin Bieber videos from YouTube.
- Jared Kushner becomes first U.S. Ambassador to Israel to serve in Jerusalem, claims diplomatic immunity bars testimony before U.S. grand juries.
- Former NJ Gov. Chris Christie fired from job as professor of infrastructure at Monmouth University for inappropriately touching traffic cones.
- Receding Greenland ice shelf uncovers early draft of Trump letter firing James Comey, calls former FBI chief “loser who couldn’t find three million people who illegally voted for Hillary.”
- Fox News fires Geraldo Rivera for inappropriately touching his moustache.
A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!
Will 2018 be a better year than 2017?
Thank you for voting
You have already voted on this poll!
Please select an option!