Crystal Ball | Stories That Will Make Headlines In 2016

Step aside, Monmouth and Quinnipiac: BF's got the odds-on favorites for next year's headlines.
Step aside, Monmouth and Quinnipiac: BF's got the odds-on favorites for next year's headlines.

Crystal Ball 2016

Crystal Ball | Stories That Will Make Headlines In 2016

Stories That Will Make Headlines In 2016. It’s that time again. Without further ado, let’s all peek at the stories that will make headlines next year.

— Newly released Hillary Clinton email reveals she lost track of Bill’s whereabouts for three weeks in 2010.

— Vladimir Putin announces Russia will host new Super Olympics for genetically engineered athletes.

— Driverless Google car ticketed for double-parking in front of Chinese restaurant in Lower Manhattan.

— Disgraced FIFA head Sepp Blatter named to chair Moscow Super Olympics.

— Google car tells NYC traffic court judge its algorithm can’t translate street signs in Chinatown.

— Reusable space rocket developed by Jeff Bezos delivers discount order of Isaac Asimov books to International Space Station.

— Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau renames Keystone pipeline Me-Stoned, says it will be used to pneumatically ship marijuana to U.S.

— Sales of Bill O’Reilly bestseller Killing Judge Crater suspended when Crater emerges from cabin in Adirondacks, calls O’Reilly a liar.

— Rhode Island demands extra Congressional district when iceberg the size of Rhode Island breaks off Greenland ice shelf and floats into Narragansett Bay.

— Barry Bonds volunteers to be hitting coach of U.S. baseball team at Moscow Super Olympics.

— Responding to President Obama’s appointment of Saul Berenson as new CIA director, Mandy Patinkin says “it’s only a TV show.”

— U.S. lifts trade embargo on Cuba, GM to build ’57 Chevy Belair models at Havana plant.

— Donald Trump inks deal to be voice of smartphone app that calls users “losers.”

— Suitcase with $1 million in cash and Fredo Corleone name-tag found in basement of U.S. embassy in Havana.

— Tom Selleck arrested for connecting power-flush toilets at CA ranch directly to Colorado River.

— Two-thirds of NY State Assembly members petition for asylum in Canada when convicted Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver agrees to be federal witness.

— Caitlin Jenner wins Women’s Decathlon at Moscow Super Olympics.

— Dr. Ben Carson says Grand Canyon was built by Founding Fathers to store corn for the winter.

— Carrie Fisher sues Disney when hacked emails reveal executives referred to her on Star Wars set as “the Death Star.”

— Original manuscript for The Grapes of Wrath discovered when fracking earthquake opens fissure in Broken Arrow, OK.

— One week before NJ presidential primary, Gov. Christie declares No Fly Zone over George Washington Bridge.

— IBM’s Watson confuses Fab Four with Monkees, loses on Jeopardy.

— Patriots disqualified from Super Bowl when drone in New England secondary intercepts Cam Newton pass.

— Microsoft and Facebook announce joint artificial-intelligence venture to find cures for Bill Gates haircut and Mark Zuckerberg wardrobe maladies.

— Coney Island hot-dog eating contest requires contestants to send text messages while consuming weiners.

— Patriots’ team laundry manager blamed for drone remote-control unit found in Bill Belichick challenge flag.

A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!    


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