— Newly released Hillary Clinton email reveals she lost track of Bill’s whereabouts for three weeks in 2010.
— Vladimir Putin announces Russia will host new Super Olympics for genetically engineered athletes.
— Driverless Google car ticketed for double-parking in front of Chinese restaurant in Lower Manhattan.
— Disgraced FIFA head Sepp Blatter named to chair Moscow Super Olympics.
— Google car tells NYC traffic court judge its algorithm can’t translate street signs in Chinatown.
— Reusable space rocket developed by Jeff Bezos delivers discount order of Isaac Asimov books to International Space Station.
— Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau renames Keystone pipeline Me-Stoned, says it will be used to pneumatically ship marijuana to U.S.
— Sales of Bill O’Reilly bestseller Killing Judge Crater suspended when Crater emerges from cabin in Adirondacks, calls O’Reilly a liar.
— Rhode Island demands extra Congressional district when iceberg the size of Rhode Island breaks off Greenland ice shelf and floats into Narragansett Bay.
— Barry Bonds volunteers to be hitting coach of U.S. baseball team at Moscow Super Olympics.
— Responding to President Obama’s appointment of Saul Berenson as new CIA director, Mandy Patinkin says “it’s only a TV show.”
— U.S. lifts trade embargo on Cuba, GM to build ’57 Chevy Belair models at Havana plant.
— Donald Trump inks deal to be voice of smartphone app that calls users “losers.”
— Suitcase with $1 million in cash and Fredo Corleone name-tag found in basement of U.S. embassy in Havana.
— Tom Selleck arrested for connecting power-flush toilets at CA ranch directly to Colorado River.
— Two-thirds of NY State Assembly members petition for asylum in Canada when convicted Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver agrees to be federal witness.
— Caitlin Jenner wins Women’s Decathlon at Moscow Super Olympics.
— Dr. Ben Carson says Grand Canyon was built by Founding Fathers to store corn for the winter.
— Carrie Fisher sues Disney when hacked emails reveal executives referred to her on Star Wars set as “the Death Star.”
— Original manuscript for The Grapes of Wrath discovered when fracking earthquake opens fissure in Broken Arrow, OK.
— One week before NJ presidential primary, Gov. Christie declares No Fly Zone over George Washington Bridge.
— IBM’s Watson confuses Fab Four with Monkees, loses on Jeopardy.
— Patriots disqualified from Super Bowl when drone in New England secondary intercepts Cam Newton pass.
— Microsoft and Facebook announce joint artificial-intelligence venture to find cures for Bill Gates haircut and Mark Zuckerberg wardrobe maladies.
— Coney Island hot-dog eating contest requires contestants to send text messages while consuming weiners.
— Patriots’ team laundry manager blamed for drone remote-control unit found in Bill Belichick challenge flag.
A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!