Crystal Ball 2014

BF doesn't need NSA's help to eavesdrop on the future--we've got a direct connection to next year's headlines!
BF doesn't need NSA's help to eavesdrop on the future--we've got a direct connection to next year's headlines!

Crystal Ball 2014

Crystal Ball 2014

It’s that time again. Without further ado, let’s all peek at the stories that will make headlines next year:

— Rob Ford resigns as Toronto mayor, inks deal to be “new face of Crackerjacks.”

— Internet crashes for 18 hours when 10 million people download enrollment forms from Obamacare website on last day of eligibility.

— Jim Cramer rushed to hospital in “catatonic state” when stock tickers go dark during Internet crash.

— Amazon says it will test mini-drone by delivering 62-year-old copy of Catcher in the Rye to J.D. Salinger’s front porch.

— Vladimir Putin declares “status of Ukraine” to be resolved when Russia plays Ukraine in Olympic hockey tournament.

— White House blames Internet crash on Miley Cyrus twerking video.

— Amazon test drone shot down over New Hampshire house by man wielding 12-guage shotgun.

— JPMorgan Chase reports $100 billion in customer deposits “went missing” during Internet crash.

— NJ lands Boeing 777X plant after Gov. Christie offers use of George Washington Bridge as test runway.

— “Rounding error” in Paul Ryan-Patty Murray federal budget deal adds $2 trillion to national debt.

— Re-issue of Stephen King novel about murderous driverless car hits no. 1 on NY Times bestseller list.

— Kim Jong Un sells three nuclear warheads to Koch brothers, uses proceeds to buy Chicago Bulls, names Dennis Rodman head coach.

— Google driverless car sideswipes Stephen King’s SUV on unmarked road in Maine.

— California legalizes marijuana, purchases entire cheese output of Wisconsin.

— CA Gov. Jerry Brown announces $3-billlion expansion of Frito-Lay’s Doritos plant in Mendocino.

— President Obama unveils new Obamacare slogan, “No, I Never Said We Could.”

— NSA chief suspends electronic surveillance program, says “we’re tired of reading this crap.”

— Alex Ovechkin scores five goals for Russian hockey team in gold medal match, named new president of Ukraine.

— Pope Francis visits Las Vegas during U.S. tour, says “Who am I to judge?”

— J-Z assaulted by bodyguards when he shows up for album photo shoot wearing Mariners cap.

— Exxon announces Lost Ark of the Covenant discovered during fracking operation in Montana.

— Mayor Bill de Blasio orders NYPD to replace stop-and-frisk with “stop-and-hug.”

— Denver sues California for copyright infringement when Golden State licenses Mile High convenience stores at gas stations.

— Announcing he was “cured” by Internet crash, Jim Cramer divests holdings, opens commune in Mendocino.

— Ted Cruz says Canadian birth certificate will not be a problem if he runs for president “because I’ll invade Canada on Day One.”

— Fox Sports drone shoots down ESPN drone over Super Bowl.

— Dennis Rodman interred in North Korean labor camp when Bulls fail to make NBA playoffs.

— FBI captures missing hijacker D.B. Cooper by tracking fingerprint scanner on iPhone.

— John Kerry announces Koch brothers have agreed to “demilitarize” warheads, will allow FDA inspections of centrifuges in six Georgia Pacific plants.

— Chuck Schumer discovers Obamacare doesn’t cover hair plugs, says he will vote to repeal.

— Las Vegas Hilton says “anonymous patron” who won $100,000 on $2 bet New Orleans Saints would score 18 points in first quarter of Super Bowl has donated winnings to UN world hunger relief effort.

A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!





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