As another tumultuous year comes to an end, it’s time to peer into our Crystal Ball for some sure-fire prognostications of the big stories of 2012:
— Siri checks into Betty Ford Clinic, says she’s “tired of answering questions” for everybody.
— Jon Corzine reveals he loaned missing MF Global funds to Solyndra.
— Einstein letter from 1939 warning FDR of particles exceeding speed of light discovered in Princeton, NJ postal bin.
— Ron Paul says U.S. Postal Service should be replaced by Pony Express.
— Agreement by Germany, France and Austria to withdraw from EU and recreate Hapsburg Empire collapses when leaders can’t agree on dinner menu.
— Amish family, swallowed in sinkhole caused by Marcellus Shale fracking operation in Lancaster, PA, emerges unharmed in Poughkeepsie, NY.
— President Obama unveils new campaign slogan: “Hope for Spare Change.”
— Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sets off radiation alarms in New York while making speech at UN.
— Former UN Ambassador John Bolton reveals he really is Yosemite Sam.
— Missing MF Global funds found in locker at Hoboken, NJ train station. Jon Corzine, reached on train platform, says he doesn’t know how they got there.
— Mets schedule “Occupy Citi Field Night” during opening arguments of team owners’ Madoff trial.
— Port Authority police arrest man who attempts to pay George Washington Bridge toll with Krugerrands.
— McDonald’s introduces Freddie Mac burger, featuring half-pound of subprime beef and mortgage for McMansion in North Las Vegas.
— Ben Bernanke checks into Betty Ford Clinic, says he “can’t stop printing money.”
— Mitt Romney severs ties to Bain Capital after investment firm buys Mets, lays off bullpen and sells team to Oklahoma City.
— Jets fire coach Rex Ryan after Rob Ryan reveals he took brother’s SAT test.
— California sells Muir forest to IKEA. IKEA introduces line of “big and tall” redwood lawn furniture.
— Test run on ski jump at Winter Olympics site in Russia canceled when viewing stand sinks into melting permafrost. Event moved to Xanadu shopping mall in NJ.
— U.S. drone strike at G-20 meeting injures Saudi Arabian foreign minister. Chinese president refuses to return missile parts that land in his soup.
— U.S. Supreme Court, in 5-4 decision, rules Obamacare and Social Security payroll tax are unconstitutional. Writing for majority, Justice Scalia declares “old age is a preexisting condition.”
A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!