Crystal Ball 2014
– Rob Ford resigns as Toronto mayor, inks deal to be “new face of Crackerjacks.”
– Internet crashes for 18 hours when 10 million people download enrollment forms from Obamacare website on last day of eligibility.
– Jim Cramer rushed to hospital in “catatonic state” when stock tickers go dark during Internet crash.
– Amazon says it will test mini-drone by delivering 62-year-old copy of Catcher in the Rye to J.D. Salinger’s front porch.
– Vladimir Putin declares “status of Ukraine” to be resolved when Russia plays Ukraine in Olympic hockey tournament.
– White House blames Internet crash on Miley Cyrus twerking video.
– Amazon test drone shot down over New Hampshire house by man wielding 12-guage shotgun.
– JPMorgan Chase reports $100 billion in customer deposits “went missing” during Internet crash.
– NJ lands Boeing 777X plant after Gov. Christie offers use of George Washington Bridge as test runway.
– “Rounding error” in Paul Ryan-Patty Murray federal budget deal adds $2 trillion to national debt.
– Re-issue of Stephen King novel about murderous driverless car hits no. 1 on NY Times bestseller list.
– Kim Jong Un sells three nuclear warheads to Koch brothers, uses proceeds to buy Chicago Bulls, names Dennis Rodman head coach.
– Google driverless car sideswipes Stephen King’s SUV on unmarked road in Maine.
– California legalizes marijuana, purchases entire cheese output of Wisconsin.
– CA Gov. Jerry Brown announces $3-billlion expansion of Frito-Lay’s Doritos plant in Mendocino.
– President Obama unveils new Obamacare slogan, “No, I Never Said We Could.”
– NSA chief suspends electronic surveillance program, says “we’re tired of reading this crap.”
– Alex Ovechkin scores five goals for Russian hockey team in gold medal match, named new president of Ukraine.
– Pope Francis visits Las Vegas during U.S. tour, says “Who am I to judge?”
– J-Z assaulted by bodyguards when he shows up for album photo shoot wearing Mariners cap.
– Exxon announces Lost Ark of the Covenant discovered during fracking operation in Montana.
– Mayor Bill de Blasio orders NYPD to replace stop-and-frisk with “stop-and-hug.”
– Denver sues California for copyright infringement when Golden State licenses Mile High convenience stores at gas stations.
– Announcing he was “cured” by Internet crash, Jim Cramer divests holdings, opens commune in Mendocino.
– Ted Cruz says Canadian birth certificate will not be a problem if he runs for president “because I’ll invade Canada on Day One.”
– Fox Sports drone shoots down ESPN drone over Super Bowl.
– Dennis Rodman interred in North Korean labor camp when Bulls fail to make NBA playoffs.
– FBI captures missing hijacker D.B. Cooper by tracking fingerprint scanner on iPhone.
– John Kerry announces Koch brothers have agreed to “demilitarize” warheads, will allow FDA inspections of centrifuges in six Georgia Pacific plants.
– Chuck Schumer discovers Obamacare doesn’t cover hair plugs, says he will vote to repeal.
– Las Vegas Hilton says “anonymous patron” who won $100,000 on $2 bet New Orleans Saints would score 18 points in first quarter of Super Bowl has donated winnings to UN world hunger relief effort.
A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!