Crystal Ball 2010
Here are some New Year’s resolutions we’d like to see:
– The worldâ€™s largest wind turbine will be attached to the Washington Monument, facing the U.S. Capitol Building.
– Recapitalized banks which used TARP funds to pay back TARP funds so they could resume huge bonus payments to bank executives will request additional TARP funds.
– Citigroup bailout funds, stolen by Russian mob, will be used to purchase reduced shares in Citigroup. Price of hot dogs at Citi Field will increase to 10,000 rubles.
– Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger will sell San Quentin prison to Cuba to close California budget gap. San Quentin will be converted into an international distribution center for Cuban cigars.
–Â Sen. Joseph Lieberman will announce he is withholding his cloture vote from any piece of legislation containing the word ”bill” in 2010.
– Hank Paulson will claim a tax credit after he purchases Tim Geithnerâ€™s house in New York, then sell it back to Geithner so Tim can avoid paying capital gains tax.
– Tiger Woods will land an endorsement deal as the official spokesman for the U.S. governmentâ€™s stimulus program.
– Lloyd Blankfein will announce Goldman Sachs is ”seriously considering” donating all of its 2010 earnings to U.N. famine relief programs.
– LloydÂ Blankfein will announce a new suite of securitized derivatives that will permit Goldman Sachs investors to make hourly trades against fluctuations in global starvation estimates.
– In a deficit-reduction gesture, Congress will order the U.S. Census Bureau to count every other state.
– Laid-off Census workers will file for unemployment, forcing Congress to extend benefits and increase the deficit.
– Dubai will open the world’s tallest building, topping off at 160 stories and 2,684 feet. Elevators will not go beyond 20th floor until first bond payments are made in 2045.
– Rupert Murdoch will merge Wall Street Journal and New York Post. Page Six item will spawn Ben Bernanke ”sex tapes” scandal. Las Vegas cocktail waitress will tell Journal-Post Â ”Bernanke just sort of sat there, staring at me, but I could tell he was thinking bad thoughts.”
–Last-minute amendment to health care reform act will require Medicare recipients to pay double tolls on New Jersey Turnpike.
– In a deficit-reduction gesture, President Obama will pick two teams for Final Four in NCAA tournament pool, leave the other brackets blank.
– China will convert $2 trillion in currency reserves from U.S. dollars to Disney dollars. Frontierland will be renamed Formosa Free Trade Zone.
–Â Donald Trump will file a $1-billion lawsuit against shareholders of his former casinos for ”unauthorized use of his name.”
– Trumpâ€™s name will be removed from casinos. Trump will sue shareholders of former casinos for ”defamation of character.”
– General Motors will sell its SAAB unit to China, then reveal it changed the name of SAAB to Chevy three weeks ago.
–Â Bernie Madoff will demand a refund from New York Mets for 2009 season tickets, claiming he did not get promised return on investment.