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— Rob Ford resigns as Toronto mayor, inks deal to be “new face of Crackerjacks.”
— Internet crashes for 18 hours when 10 million people download enrollment forms from Obamacare website on last day of eligibility.
— Jim Cramer rushed to hospital in “catatonic state” when stock tickers go dark during Internet crash.
— Amazon says it will test mini-drone by delivering 62-year-old copy of Catcher in the Rye to J.D. Salinger’s front porch.
— Vladimir Putin declares “status of Ukraine” to be resolved when Russia plays Ukraine in Olympic hockey tournament.
— White House blames Internet crash on Miley Cyrus twerking video.
— Amazon test drone shot down over New Hampshire house by man wielding 12-guage shotgun.
— JPMorgan Chase reports $100 billion in customer deposits “went missing” during Internet crash.
— NJ lands Boeing 777X plant after Gov. Christie offers use of George Washington Bridge as test runway.
— “Rounding error” in Paul Ryan-Patty Murray federal budget deal adds $2 trillion to national debt.
— Re-issue of Stephen King novel about murderous driverless car hits no. 1 on NY Times bestseller list.
— Kim Jong Un sells three nuclear warheads to Koch brothers, uses proceeds to buy Chicago Bulls, names Dennis Rodman head coach.
— Google driverless car sideswipes Stephen King’s SUV on unmarked road in Maine.
— California legalizes marijuana, purchases entire cheese output of Wisconsin.
— CA Gov. Jerry Brown announces $3-billlion expansion of Frito-Lay’s Doritos plant in Mendocino.
— President Obama unveils new Obamacare slogan, “No, I Never Said We Could.”
— NSA chief suspends electronic surveillance program, says “we’re tired of reading this crap.”
— Alex Ovechkin scores five goals for Russian hockey team in gold medal match, named new president of Ukraine.
— Pope Francis visits Las Vegas during U.S. tour, says “Who am I to judge?”
— J-Z assaulted by bodyguards when he shows up for album photo shoot wearing Mariners cap.
— Exxon announces Lost Ark of the Covenant discovered during fracking operation in Montana.
— Mayor Bill de Blasio orders NYPD to replace stop-and-frisk with “stop-and-hug.”
— Denver sues California for copyright infringement when Golden State licenses Mile High convenience stores at gas stations.
— Announcing he was “cured” by Internet crash, Jim Cramer divests holdings, opens commune in Mendocino.
— Ted Cruz says Canadian birth certificate will not be a problem if he runs for president “because I’ll invade Canada on Day One.”
— Fox Sports drone shoots down ESPN drone over Super Bowl.
— Dennis Rodman interred in North Korean labor camp when Bulls fail to make NBA playoffs.
— FBI captures missing hijacker D.B. Cooper by tracking fingerprint scanner on iPhone.
— John Kerry announces Koch brothers have agreed to “demilitarize” warheads, will allow FDA inspections of centrifuges in six Georgia Pacific plants.
— Chuck Schumer discovers Obamacare doesn’t cover hair plugs, says he will vote to repeal.
— Las Vegas Hilton says “anonymous patron” who won $100,000 on $2 bet New Orleans Saints would score 18 points in first quarter of Super Bowl has donated winnings to UN world hunger relief effort.
A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!