Sausage Factory Loses Recipe
It’s crunch time in Washington, D.C. Obviously, our political leaders are having a hard time resolving their differences on this debt ceiling mess. In fact, they’re having a hard time letting us know where they actually stand on this critical issue. It seems to us they all are saying one thing, while subliminally signaling something entirely different.
For example, did Speaker Boehner realize he was wearing a bright green tie while lecturing the president on national television about profligate spending?
Does President Obama really expect us to believe that the Aug. 2 deadline for default has nothing to do with the fact that his 50th birthday is two days later and he’s planning to party into the night?
Coincidence? We think not.
Well, there’s no doubt these fellows are running out of good ideas to get us out of this fix. So, without further ado, here are our Top Ten suggestions for resolving the national debt crisis:
1. Hire Donald Trump to handle U.S. bankruptcy negotiations. All of our creditors will get 10 cents on the dollar and The Donald will get a 10-year extension on his $25-million annual allowance, which will maintain his brand.
2. Sell Alaska back to the Russians for one million metric tons of gold. Tell Putin he can also have Staten Island if he keeps Sarah Palin.
3. The average life expectancy in the United States is 75 years for men and 80 years for women. Balance the federal budget by requiring Baby Boomers to give up Medicare benefits whenever anyone celebrates their 80th birthday (and yes, we are giving the men a chance to catch up to the women).
4. Secretly add 25 cents to the payroll tax of anyone who plays Angry Birds, every time they do it.
5. During the Iraq war, the Pentagon airlifted shrinkwrapped pallets of freshly printed greenbacks straight out of the Treasury to drop zones near Baghdad and encouraged “friendlies” to help themselves. Hook up the Blackhawk choppers and start dropping crisp moolah all over the planet until everybody stops bugging us for interest payments.
6. Gather all of the iMacs that were put in garages after the machines (which did not have exhaust fans) burnt out after the first six months of use. Break them open and melt down the little gold circuits.
7. Announce that NATO has finally defeated the Warsaw Pact and cut the Defense budget in half.
8. Put out a news flash that Elvis is still alive (he’s been hiding on Marlon Brando’s old island in the Pacific) and planning a comeback tour. Sell tickets, cancel the concerts, keep the money.
9. Amend the Constitution to require that all federal spending must be approved by the Bureau of Land Management, which normally takes 20 years to do anything.
10. Buy the rights to the Banana Republic brand and put it on U.S. Treasury Bonds. China will give them away to the lowest bidders and we can pay them all back in cargo pants.