Crystal Ball 2011
As a tumultuous year comes to an end. it’s time to take another look into our Crystal Ball for some sure-fire prognostications of the big stories of 2011:
— Ben Bernanke demands $500-billion “overdraft fee” from top U.S. banks, tells them to cut up debit cards.
— Hamid Karzai retires to Paris, opens chain of men’s clothing stores called Afghan Wearhouse.
— Cliff Lee pitches against Yankees in World Series, leaves game in fourth inning when car is towed from Stadium parking lot by NYPD.
— President Obama announces federal deficit will now be calculated using Google algorithm.
— Oprah surprises final studio audience with free trip to the Moon, buys Saturn rocket from Smithsonian.
— BP unveils high-octane biofuel produced from Gulf Coast shrimp.
— Congress orders Census Bureau to re-do 2010 count when number of Facebook pages in U.S. exceeds reported population.
— Interpol seizes shipment of Afghan Wearhouse capes, finds 10-kilo bags of heroin sewn into linings.
— Sarah Palin announces presidential candidacy on hour-long ESPN special, tells nation she is “bringing my talents to Washington.”
— Charlie Sheen inks 10-year deal as spokesperson for Afghan Wearhouse.
— New York City installs metered outlets for electric cars on city streets, collects $15 for 15-minute charge between 8 am and 4 pm.
— Chevy Volt owner tasered by NYPD on Broadway attempting to obstruct city tow truck.
— California Gov. Jerry Brown misses State of State address pinned to the floor of the governor’s office after attempting to move Arnold’s barbells.
— Julian Assange leaks transcripts of NFL refs practicing holding penalties for Super Bowl.
— Midwest governor returns federal stimulus funds, drives limo off unfinished highway ramp, says “this proves government can’t do anything right.”
— Club Med opens summer resort in Greenland.
— Germany withdraws from Euro after Silvio Berlusconi requests 1 billion Euro bailout for Naples trash removal.
— China refuses to revalue currency, agrees to 50-percent discount on men’s socks at Wal-Mart.
— Mike Bloomberg buys Bermuda, declares island sixth borough of New York.
— Donald Trump announces presidential candidacy in Palm Beach, unveils plans for luxury resort/golf course at Camp David.
— China agrees to exchange $1 trillion in U.S. Treasury Bonds for interstate highway system, Cape Canaveral and Disneyland.
A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!